| 1979 | Jan 28th | Noel: "Sunday morning: Well, we were back at the Regent on Thursday, lots came and stayed. |
| French's was a blast - punks decided to spit and claw and spit and pull at us....we got very mad - | ||
| Mark got slightly upset and completely abolished the stage!!" | ||
| Mark: "...any resemblance between [Noel's entry] and what actually happened is sheer | ||
| coincidence!" | ||
| We now have seven original songs..... | ||
| Jan 29th | THE CLONES LIVE AT FRENCH'S - A review! | |
| The Clones at French's sounds like a good night without even going, especially if there's a good film on | ||
| TV! Anyway, The Clones began the evening with an awful, dismal rendition of Lieber/Stoller's Some Other | ||
| Guy in which they pretended to be The Searchers. The lead vocals were horrible, the solo disastrous, the | ||
| drumming woeful and the bass playing sad. | ||
| The next song was an old Monkees' hit, Steppin' Stone, which would have had as much life as a stunned | ||
| mullet. This was followed by an even more stunned mullet in the shape of an amazingly limp version | ||
| of Elvis' Jailhouse Rock. | ||
| After this number, a small, moustachioed gentleman whispered something in the band's ears afterwhich | ||
| they did the most energetic, exciting version of Run For Your Life. The next tune was an original | ||
| which seemed to be called No Tuna but I failed to see the significance of the lyrics - perhaps it was | ||
| something to do with the earlier mullets! | ||
| All in all, it wasn't a bad performance - not a great one, but a mediocre excursion into the fab | ||
| sixties by a bunch of pimply kids who should have known better! | ||
| A MINI-CLONES PLAY (by Noel) | ||
| THE SCENE | A quiet room with a view of Botany Cemetery........speaks John, with a toilet roll embossed on his eye | |
| JOHN | No more practice, I hate practice - all my life I wanted to be...........a lumberjack! | |
| [stop that - it's silly! - Ed] I'll explore the upper reaches of the Bongo Bungle Bubbles Bugle Boobies | ||
| "a quiet, sedate river in Africa" | ||
| NOEL | Will you be back for coffee and a practice by 1989? | |
| JOHN | It will only take me 500 years, you see it's 5,000 miles as the pimple flies you know | |
| IAN | God, if we are to get somewhere we have to work work work! Who cares if we're famous or not, it's the | |
| work, work WORK I want! | ||
| ANNIE | Don't worry, it's only his Scycokentic/Wet Your Undies Syndrome. Hey Dave, it's late, let's go | |
| DAVID | [Screaming after accidentally setting fire to his moustache] Stop that Annie! | |
| MARK | [Slowly rising from a nearby corner, tired after a long wimp]...now listen fellas, I have 1,200 years supply | |
| of Venetian cookies and I suggest we go outside and eat them | ||
| JOHN | Good idea! [first time for everything-Ed] | |
| [So, all The Clones and David and Annie went outside and ate biscuits for 25 years 6 months and | ||
| never got famous.........] | ||
| Feb 2 | Today, it happened!! John announced he's leaving The Clones!! No more chin!!! | |
| A LIST OF SILLY GUITAR JOKES | ||
| If Barry, Maurice and Robin had kids they'd be Gibb-sons | ||
| I drove into Eric Clapton's Mercedes and dented his Fender | ||
| Paul McCartney left Wings and they renamed the band, Wings Les Paul | ||
| A man threw his TV set 300 yards and became the world's champion Telecaster | ||
| I feel like McDonalds - I shall have a Fleetwood Big Mac [this was a non-guitar joke, it has slipped into | ||
| this list under false pretences!] | ||
| Feb 8th | Enough of this nonsense! The diary is hereby closed until something definite happens. We are | |
| currently screening replies to our ads for a new 4th member - results so far.........NIL! | ||
| Feb 26th | We have seen 250 people and they're all no good except one! Andre the great - and his moustache! | |
| Meanwhile, The Clones hype machine (David Key-hole) plans a never ending battle for truth, justice | ||
| and the American way while getting us more jobs at better pay! | ||
| Mar 3rd | Today is Saturday - on Friday we were asked to support the Ted Mulry Gang at the Bondi Lifesaver. | |
| We gracefully declined the offer which was not anticipated by the somewhat over-zealous promoters | ||
| who subsequently included our gracious moniker on the forthcoming poster advertisements. | ||
| Tomorrow: We have our first honourable and official practice with honourable and official new | ||
| member - Andre the Great! | ||
| AND NOW PRESENTING - CLONEMAN (the book of the film) | ||
| ...and so begin the amazing adventures of Cloneman who came from the Soundlab studios when they | ||
| exploded because of Class. As a young man and even as an infant, Cloneman showed absolutely no | ||
| special talents of any sort until he met his mentor, David Keyhole, who trained him and taught him | ||
| to talk in between songs. | ||
| Cloneman became a professional superhero in June and decided to keep his identity secret by | ||
| covering his head with a lampshade and getting a daytime job at the ANZ bank as a flashlight. | ||
| By day, he was mild-mannered but gentlemanly bank clerk Chester Diptheria but at night he raged | ||
| as - ta ta ta taaaaaaaaaaaa - CLONEMAN!!! | ||
| CLONEMAN - Episode 1 - "At the bank" | ||
| I am Chester Diptheria, ordinary, everyday bank clerk on $7,000 a year and not enjoying it but at night | ||
| I am CLONEMAN and I earn twice as much money and the superannuation scheme is amazing! | ||
| [Meanwhile, on stage] Guitarist: "oh no, I've broken a string and three frets have fallen off!!" | ||
| [Cloneman arrives to lend a helping hand] | ||
| ......and so, another disaster is averted with amazing daring and unheard of bravery......... | ||
| Tune in next chapter for another unbelievable adventure with (ta ta ta taaaaaaaaaaa) CLONEMAN | ||
| [the movie is coming] | ||
| Mar 3rd | Supported Young Modern at the Royal Antler, Narrabeen with the Lipstick Killers - we did quite well | |
| considering Ian had a broken arm, John's head fell off plus Mark got drunk and Noel was his | ||
| usual self! | ||
| David actually showed up and even brought his pet Annie | ||
| Mar 4th | First practice with Andre - learnt new songs then went back to Andre's place and learnt The Who's | |
| I'm A Boy and did other things: watched Countdown, ate toasted sandwiches, listened to records and | ||
| watched the amazing antics of Kay (soon-to-be-Mrs-Andre)......."Is that the plate you bacon?" - (example of | ||
| humour from the night) | ||
| Andre is told he can be in the band if he shaves his moustache..... | ||
| Mar 16th | Today we stumbled, groaned, shook and trembled through five songs at Channel 9 Studios for the | |
| Super Flying Fun Show with Miss Marilyn. Marty was there with emu as well as Ramone Krakatoa, | ||
| Margarete Yourstandinonem and Miss Marilyn with her fifty eight eyebrows | ||
| NOEL WRITES: | ||
| "Well, we have practiced like buggery and we are on the Super Flying Fun Show which is currently | ||
| enjoying a nine year residency on Channel 9. David has the flu but is still bullshitting the media. | ||
| Miss Marilyn has an "I'm A Clones Fan" badge. Do you know how many times I've missed 'The | ||
| Restless Years' in the last month?!? | ||
| We've found a great little hall to practice in at Wiley Park. Great - we're on the Fun Show - just think | ||
| today the fun show, tomorrow ROMPER ROOM! then PLAY SCHOOL and HUMPHREY B. BEAR and | ||
| maybe even MAGIC CIRCLE CLUB - this is what fame is all about." | ||
| DAVID WRITES: | ||
| Mar 23rd | "Well, Macquarie University has come and gone with the speed of a mike stand down an elevator | |
| shaft [inside joke-Ed], they still have our mike stand and our $200. In many places the performance | ||
| was 'rough as guts' but there were patches of brilliance showing the band to be potentially | ||
| better than ever. Sunday's practice sees the band cancel 3,729 out of 3,734 gigs booked for April. | ||
| Andre the Great is now trying out a beautiful, black Gretsch which George Harrison used at the '64 | ||
| Beatles Sydney Stadium concert. It has just surfaced from the rubble of Sydney Stadium and somehow | ||
| found its way to Whatshisnames Studios (ex-Soundlab) at Canterbury. | ||
| It hasn't got McDonalds thick shakes and sundaes all over it as it was lucky enough to be out of the | ||
| immediate vicinity when Mark exploded all over the front seat of my nice, new CLEAN little car." | ||
| MEANWHILE, LATER THE SAME DAY........ | ||
| Mrs CLONES MANAGER WRITES: | ||
| "When requested to make an addition to this unintelligible Clones bible I am overcome. Also, I have jubes | ||
| sticking my teeth together and I can't think. Not only........but also, I am sitting next to an amp full of a | ||
| very loud 'She Loves You' which is nevertheless excellent except for the 'oohs' which are a bit hairy. | ||
| That sums up my original thoughts for the last 3 months - I'll leave the 'thinking' to Clones Manager. Mark | ||
| is on the floor playing bass, Andre has fallen asleep standing up, Ian is going 'ha ha ha ha' and all I can | ||
| see of Noel is the top of his glasses - they're working out 'Happy Jack'. David has smiled for the first | ||
| time today but everyone missed it. His next smile should coincide with the eclipse of the sun in 1987 | ||
| if my calculations are correct - when's Noel going to do a cowbell solo? | ||
| The Clones are my favourite band in the whole world - at least since {Arnhorne?} was my favourite | ||
| band in the whole world which was just after Jai Bolo was my favourite band in the whole world which | ||
| was well and truly past that silly phase when the Beatmakers were my favourite band in the whole | ||
| world. How boring! The Clones forever!" | ||
| NOEL: Your father has a bald head | ||
| CARMEN: That's his knee you're looking at! | ||
| Apr 11th | Played at the Alleycat Wine Bar to an audience of 2! | |
| Apr 14th | Finally made it - BONDI LIFESAVER!! | |
| Andre's last gig......we ask John if he wants to return and he says.........YES! | ||
| April | JOHN WRITES: | |
| "OH NO not again. I feel sick! In a moment of weakness I have rejoined The Clones. | ||
| What have I done? I will have to lay down for a while..........I feel no better. More bad coffee - more 3am | ||
| love stories! Can this be real? I've made $5million in the insurance business and am chucking it in for | ||
| $100 a week! Mark's bloody awful Monty Python impressions, Noel's sweat and Ian's, well.....whatever | ||
| it is. I have thrown away a life of bliss with a good job, a beautiful girl and a normal sleeping night for a | ||
| band full of idiots and a demented manager with a chain smoking wife! HOW COULD I DO THIS TO | ||
| MYSELF?!? Oh vomit, oh puke......who the hell was Andre?" | ||
| "Hello, this is John - it is good to be back after a short holiday, anyway after much pleading I have | ||
| decided that I miss my friends so much that I returned to The Clones and some fellow called David and his | ||
| toy Annie who is constantly on fire. But ladies and gentlemen (and Mark) it is good to be back. I could | ||
| stand no other life but this so I decided to ring Mark and tell him I'd be back: | ||
| JOHN | Hello, Mark - this is John....John! John Salway. Yeah, how are you? I've come back....where from? I'm | |
| coming back to The Clones.........yes, I was in it!....last year, rhythm guitar...in the middle........THE CHIN! | ||
| yes, well I've come back [PAUSE] Hello? HELLO??" | ||
| May 4th | The first Clones gig is tonight and everyone is looking forward to it with great lust. It will be the Clones | |
| 2nd coming after a brief interlude...........yes folks, the oldies but goodies will be there and the stars of | ||
| tomorrow will be playing with Young Modern and the Hitmen | ||
| NOEL: Well, we played at Sydney Uni and we got beer cans, cups and poufs thrown at us. Women's | ||
| libbers abuse John for his "tits" joke and 'Baby I'm A Comin' didn't help either. Two guys from Regular | ||
| Records came and promised us riches beyond our dreams [this seems highly unlikely-Ed]. Stuart | ||
| Coupe was there and we had photos taken for RAM magazine. Even had a beer can thrown at us | ||
| while posing for pictures and then 1,000 people helped us pack up." | ||
| I think the first gig was a salubrious indication of the aesthetic future of The Clones. Their | ||
| continuing success shall be due to the fact of continuing excellence in their field of sound editing | ||
| and cinematography............ | ||
| May 9th | MARK WRITES: "we've just played Shaun's Disco. It was okay but there were no people apart from | |
| Shelley, Roger, Kerry, David and Gary. Ian broke 85 guitar strings and spent all night tuning up so we | ||
| did the gig without him. We floundered until a nice group of people came and gave us encouragement. | ||
| We also found out , much to our cherubment, that we are supporting Rose Tattoo next week! | ||
| That is the silliest thing I've ever heard!" | ||
| May 24th | Well tonight is our 100th gig - that includes the 8 we did with Andre so in actual fact it's only our 92nd | |
| with John ! Just received news on the CLONES HOTLINE (David's mo) that we'll be supporting | ||
| Flowers in July - does that mean they'll bury us? | ||
| ....and so, as the stain of Shredded Wheat soaks into the page and the Bondi Lifesaver lumbers | ||
| on the horizon we will bid farewell until the next page.........."farewell until the next page." | ||
| May 25th | Now we're all blue - not that we're depressed but that we have alternative blue clothes instead of those | |
| dirty, smelly brown ones [would help to wash them once in a while]. We play at NSW Uni where | ||
| Glenn A. Baker sees us and says "I can make money off you guys." | ||
| May 27th | [1:52am] We have just played an almightily successful gig at the Bondi Lifesaver supporting | |
| Young Modern (when will they learn to support themselves!) | ||
| Also, yesterday we recorded several songs at Now Studios. David, Annie, Neil and Stuart were there. | ||
| David said: "amazing" Annie said: "I'm aesthetically pleased" Stuart said: "Well lads, I'm certainly | ||
| glad that you invited me here today, even if I'm only John's cousin" (I mean, what could be worse than | ||
| a Salway - of course, the cousin of a Salway!) | ||
| June 6th | It has come to my attention that lately this diary has shown a marked tendency to get silly. Now, | |
| nobody likes a good laugh more than I do, except the wife and of course Uncle George - but anyway, | ||
| this silliness must cease now.........we were going to present another instalment of CLONEMAN at this | ||
| point but he fell down one of the holes at the side of the page and broke his cape. | ||
| CLONES ROUND-UP | ||
| The latest Clones news from around the world: | ||
| a) There will be a full-page story on The Clones in the June issue of Roadrunner, a man on the | ||
| street was heard to say "who?" | ||
| b) The Clones will support The Sports on Saturday June 16th at Manly Flix, the man on the street said | ||
| "where?" | ||
| c) The Clones were recently interviewed at 2CBA-FM studios - this will air along with the demo tape | ||
| on the Captain Midnight show this week....the man on the street said "when?" (at this point we do not ask | ||
| the man on the street any more questions) | ||
| d) The Clones have signed up with Nucleus Agency for a three month trial | ||
| e) There will be stories on The Clones in the next two RAM magazines | ||
| AND NOW for the weather - fine, mild and cloudy with choppy seas and a slight front......... | ||
| June 12th | Well, the Sports gig is cancelled and so are all the Whitehouse gigs - what a BUMMER! Our radio | |
| interview went to air on the 11th of June and it was brilliant, amazing well actually fair and not so good. | ||
| Mark finds nothing better to do than to ram David's little beetle car! | ||
| Ian buys a car at last and Noel's car has a heart attack and dies..... | ||
| Meanwhile, we are living on $60 a week! Anyway, The Clones continue to play and defy all | ||
| prescriptions related to pop music | ||
| June 15th | EXTRACT FROM THE KIAMA DAILY SCRUB - "THE CLONES HIT KIAMA!" | |
| Thursday night saw the arrival of The Clones at the New Brighton Hotel - a local was heard to | ||
| say "who?" | ||
| Anyway, The Clones are the biggest thing to hit Kiama since the blowhole and twice as wet. | ||
| What a night it was, a huge crowd turned up to see this Sydney band's 1st tour of the south | ||
| coast. | ||
| We had McDonalds on the way down but it wasn't so great when it came up again | ||
| THE PREDICAMENT OF PERISTOCLES | ||
| But alas, we all take two minutes and ponder over the predicament of Ian and his pet dragon | ||
| Peristocles (who is currently stuck in a mud puddle at the bottom of the garden behind the | ||
| PMU soup factory). | ||
| Peristocles (or Bill to his friends) has been Ian's dragon for six weeks now and this is the first | ||
| mud puddle it's been stuck in | ||
| ..........and, as the Venetian cookie sinks slowly into the coffee we say goodnight to you | ||
| "Goodnight to you............" | ||
| What a crumby ending! |
|
|
