| 1979 | June 19th | The whole damn country's on strike! No petrol - no buses - no trains - no Clones!! |
| Noel, David & John are all sick..... | ||
| June 23rd | The afternoon before we play at the Metropole with the Lonely hearts - a wonderful | |
| day. Two previous shows have been cancelled due to illness but tonight, John will | ||
| battle on against all odds - hopefully he'll live to practice on Monday.... | ||
| JOHN WRITES: | ||
| "I have Reginal Finly up my left nostril and my frog Buff has a urinary problem and my | ||
| aunt Maude was dehydrated in the drought of '52. My peg, the one on the line, can't | ||
| hold up my stained underwear and my baby brother has just been stuffed down | ||
| the kerosene heater. I don't feel so hot and my Uncle Bruce is dead - my goldfish | ||
| swims a lot. 'Yes' sounds fine - this next section will be entirely serious.... | ||
| 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts......' | ||
| ...I do apologise about that last attempt to be serious but this next attempt will be successful!!" | ||
| June 25th | The Clones - Record contract!! Yes siree, Piranha Brothers have today offered The Clones | |
| a contract. We all celebrate at John's place with champagne and a practice. | ||
| The Clones make a record (most turds in any band!) | ||
| June 27th | We play the Hyatt Kingsgate for an architect's party where we all play a grand piano. | |
| HORRIBLE. The only good things were the free drinks which cost $1 each, the free meals | ||
| which were $5 each and the free parking which was $1. After fifteen hours of sweat | ||
| and music, four old ladies got up and danced and promptly died - that was the last song | ||
| as well!! | ||
| 5IVE GIGS THIS WEEK! | ||
| Yes folks, for the first time The Clones do five gigs in a row: | ||
| July 3rd | Doyalson RSL - Clones play with Flowers. Horrible but Flowers manage to make it | |
| worse....Mark and John see a UFO on return drive to Sydney | ||
| July 4th | Selina's Coogee - Great gig, The Clones and no-one else. The audience loved it but | |
| she left half way through | ||
| July 5th | Regent Hotel, Kingsford - Bloody awful, crap, pigs bum! | |
| July 6th | Willoughby Town Hall - Clones go down with a bang, what a great night. Day of the balloons! | |
| July 7th | Rags - with It and The Press. What a boring evening....all die of exhaustion! | |
| July 13th | NOEL WRITES: | |
| "Well, this diary has been in John's custody for one month now and it has never looked | ||
| worse! We are still waiting a definite record contract from either Piranha Brothers or | ||
| Festival but things are positive.....plenty of work coming in. We make friends with | ||
| Loaded Dice and Young Modern have pissed off" | ||
| July 14th | MARK WRITES: | |
| "I've just returned from Newcastle totally fuc.....errrr, exhausted and we're about to play | ||
| Sydney Uni. Last night was possibly the biggest mess-up ever in the history of | ||
| rock and roll [slight overstatement!-Ed]. Fifty eight people were running the gig. | ||
| Roadies didn't know how to road and Dragon begged our forgiveness for the | ||
| complete balls-up of our sound. Other than that it was a fun night! | ||
| We stayed overnight at the Shortland Motel. Everyone had six room houses with colour | ||
| TV and showers to themselves and Mark slept in a broom closet in the backyard. | ||
| New songs this week - bugger all!!" | ||
| July 16th | Play French's for the last time | |
| July 31st | Tonight is the last night at the Civic Hotel after four weeks. We are still negotiating with | |
| record companies and John proves he's a turd by engaging Tracey in cutlery delights.... | ||
| Aug 3rd | Played at the Comb and Cutter in Blacktown last night, much to the consternation | |
| of the audience. Mark got cigarette butts thrown at him, John threw shit at the audience | ||
| and we were interviewed after the gig by Heckle and Jeckle. | ||
| Tonight we played at a tennis club ball at Macquarie Uni and it was twice as boring | ||
| as it sounds although we got a free meal and a piece of paper with $200 written on it. | ||
| People danced, people sang, people frivolised - but that was at the disco up the road. | ||
| And we didn't find our mike stand [see Macquarie Uni reference in Diary Vol II in order | ||
| to get this joke - Ed] | ||
| A POEM by Henry Chatterbumblebeeupthewall | ||
| I think that sometimes all our pain | ||
| goes down to our feet and back again | ||
| and then when we least expect | ||
| up to our fingers and up our neck | ||
| ANOTHER CLONES PLAY | ||
| SCENE | The Clones, their manager, his wife and various roadies and friends are having a party | |
| in David's flat | ||
| DAVID | Whose idea was this party anyway? | |
| ANNIE | Yours | |
| DAVID | Oh | |
| Aug 8th | Big day at Festival Studios - Glenn A. Baker produced us and the tapes go upstairs | |
| to the stuffed shirts and whacko - they master bate [think this means mass debate-Ed] | ||
| We play at Bathurst tomorrow.......going really far now! | ||
| Aug 11th | THE SYDNEY COVE TAVERN FIASCO! | |
| There we were a band of Clones trying to decide | ||
| whether or not to help them out or to run and hide | ||
| John had done the smartest thing and avoided the whole scene | ||
| he missed out on hearing insults and words more than obscene | ||
| David came and tried to referee but managed only to worsen | ||
| the situation we found ourselves in and ended up a-cursin' | ||
| The Radiators headed the bill but no one knew who's second | ||
| Outlaw tried to claim the place but we were more than they reckoned | ||
| Punches flew and hair was pulled and no one escaped unbruised | ||
| but in the end the Clones triumphed, The Radiators were not amused | ||
| the moral of this story's clear and not to be forgotten | ||
| just when you think things are going great, Noel steps in and wrecks everything! | ||
| Aug 14th | All Clones agree: a) must have a big P.A. b) must have a road crew. | |
| Before playing places like the Stagedoor Tavern, Civic Hotel, Strata Motor Inn etc. | ||
| our P.A was very good - places like Dr Redbird's, Regent Kingsford, Coach & Horses | ||
| were excellent. That was six months ago and we're a different band now - on a direct | ||
| comparison between bands like the Mentals, Loaded Dice etc. We sound so much better | ||
| through a big P.A so we must take the plunge.......... | ||
| Aug 17th | Played at Mosman High School with Rod Stark & the Ravers P.A but it blew up so | |
| we hooked up Mark's cassette recorder and used it as a P.A. system. The hall | ||
| was packed with 1,800 kids but none of them liked us and there were only 14 left at the end... | ||
| Aug 18th | Played at Kogarah Golf Club on the 9th hole and fell in........ | |
| GET THE KNACK - A review | ||
| Today a pop group was formed and recorded their first album at lunch time for .25cents. | ||
| It was released at 1.10pm and by 4pm it was number one in all the world and parts | ||
| of Afghanistan. | ||
| The group's name is The Knack, which someone thought of during a coffee break. | ||
| All the songs were written as they went along including My Charona which was inspired | ||
| by the tea lady who happened to be passing at the time.... | ||
| At 8pm, after McDonalds for tea, they flew out to Australia and appeared on Countdown | ||
| where, although none of the girls had bought the record because the show is taped on the | ||
| weekend, the audience screeched and screamed for their latest heroes.... | ||
| NEXT WEEK: Read how The Knack win all of the Grammy awards nine months before | ||
| anyone is asked to vote and how the group manage to have a sleep before making | ||
| their first film and sixteen week TV series | ||
| Aug 21st | Today we practiced. We learnt three new originals: John's Hey Yeah, You Girl, Ian's Fred | |
| Nerkle and Mark's Tired of Hiding.........tune in tomorrow to see if they survive. | ||
| EVENING: Support Loaded Dice at the Strata Motor Inn and fail dismally to stir a | ||
| reaction with our mixture of sixties pop, pure fifties R&B and catchy, short and original | ||
| originals | ||
| Aug25-26 | Mini Newcastle area tour....... | |
| Cardiff first then Swansea - an atom bomb exploded in Sydney and blew up our P.A truck | ||
| (either that or they couldn't be bothered driving up). | ||
| During this tour the score increased to: RIP-OFFS 467, FUCK-UPS 112. | ||
| We drive home to the comforts of our homes and hot water bottles | ||
| Sep 9th | Please note that no one has written anything in this diary (except a boring song list | |
| and a silly set of Clones records) since August 26th so here is a brief round-up | ||
| of events since then: | ||
| Aug 29th | Ambassador Night Club, Newcastle - Very good, excellent even. Rod Stark's | |
| roadie let us down for the 586th time but we went on and sang through a stray dog | ||
| Aug 31st | HMAS Penguin - lots of sailors. A gig memorable only for the fact that it was It's last gig. | |
| Sep 8th | The Clones return to the Manning Bar - Manning Bar dies of fright at Mark's jokes | |
| and cancels four week residency | ||
| Sep 9th | Bayview Tavern, Gladesville (ex-Pickled Parrot) - Very nice place, nice P.A, very nice | |
| drinks. David informs us of the fact that we have seven gigs this week and we'll be supporting | ||
| Loaded Dice four times! | ||
| We may sign with Piranha Brothers this week!!! | ||
| A REVIEW OF THE CLONES FIRST ALBUM - OUT NOW ON PIRANHA BROTHERS | ||
| INTRODUCING THE CLONES (PB records) | ||
| Well, as an album this makes excellent TV viewing. Seriously though folks, The Clones | ||
| attempt to scale the heights of inventive pop music but manage only to scrape | ||
| over some mindless drivel. | ||
| Here's a track by track listing: | ||
| NO PLACE TO GO: Contains no less than three rip-offs - Split Enz, Ramones and church bells. | ||
| Other than that it's quite good although a bit silly. The only non-romance song on the album | ||
| HAPPY I'M WITH HER: Their second single, destined to follow their first flop | ||
| SOMEHOW YOU'RE DIFFERENT: Classic example of the kind of trash you hear on | ||
| the Super Flying Fun Show every morning | ||
| TIRED OF HIDING: The Clones aim their guitars in the direction of England for a direct | ||
| steal from Elvis Costello. So blatant it's funny. | ||
| OH TINA: Seems to be expressing a desire to get into the pants of someone called Tina. | ||
| Silly but catchy. | ||
| NOT A SINGLE CHANCE: This song will always be remembered as the cause of the | ||
| great plastic burning smell over Sydney in late 1979. | ||
| LIES: Reworking of the sixties hit by The Knickerbockers, a pale imitation of the original. | ||
| EVERY TIME OF DAY: Perhaps next time they'll record the whole song. | ||
| BABY I'M A COMIN': Best song on the album - oh, but it's not one of theirs - interesting | ||
| coincidence. | ||
| YOU'RE ONLY IN MY WAY: Slim Dusty has covered this on his new album. | ||
| YOU DO THINGS TO ME: I laughed 'til I stopped. | ||
| Sep 12th | NOEL WRITES: | |
| "Well hello, long time no write because I was sick and I died but apart from that things | ||
| are okay. We'll be signing our record contract soon and hopefully this will give a boost | ||
| to our careers. We've been playing very heavily and working hard. Also, we're learning lots | ||
| of things about the industry and quickly forgetting them. We got a grant - $1.56 from | ||
| Bathurst radio to make a Clones interview tape - it was funny" | ||
| SEVEN GIGS IN ONE WEEK WRAP-UP: | ||
| Sep 10th | RAGS - with The Motivators who count Rick Brewer and some ex-Ferrets among them. | |
| Francine, Pamela and Andrew from Young Modern were there and nobody else thought it | ||
| worth turning up - oh, except us. A complete joke! | ||
| Sep 11th | STRATA MOTOR INN - with Loaded Dice. Rather flat boys (according to Clones Manager) | |
| Sep 13th | SYLVANIA HOTEL - with Loaded Dice. Very good indeed. Audience cheered for our | |
| shirts as we walked on | ||
| Sep 14th | (Early) MANNING BAR, Sydney Uni - Usual Manning Bar show. Lots of intelligent repartee.... | |
| Sep 14th | (Late) STAGEDOOR TAVERN - The Clones headline a major venue for the first time. | |
| David mixed - the sound was awful but his moustache glistened with pride. Unfortunately | ||
| Ward 13 killed half the audience before we came on! | ||
| Sep 15th | FAIRFIELD HOTEL - what, supporting Loaded Dice AGAIN!! | |
| Sep 16th | ASTRA HOTEL, BONDI - Exactly one year since the Dennison Hotel, Bondi Junction | |
| "audition" | ||
| Sep 17th | Signing with Piranha Brothers TODAY!! | |
| Sep 26th | Piranha Brothers present "LET'S DANCE with THE CLONES" featuring Twist and Shout, Lies, | |
| For Your Love and I Want to Hold Your Hand - that just about "covers" everything.... | ||
| Nov | CLONES IN MELBOURNE | |
| Record not out because we haven't made it yet. | ||
| Play a private party for a Melbourne artist - 'interesting' is the best word to describe | ||
| this event.........Mick Conway was there. | ||
| Nov 10th | Matthew Flinders Hotel - 500 people, 15 clapped and 4 danced. | |
| Nov 12th | Trouble at Clones headquarters - David resigns; Noel and John punch each other out..... | |
| Nov 24th | Have been back to Melbourne again - news of recording dates supposedly in the next | |
| few weeks | ||
| Nov 30th | Melbourne trip came and went......not so great this time around: only three shows and crappy | |
| P.A.s. One highlight was all of us seeing Monty Python's 'Life of Brian' at the movies together. | ||
| Early Dec | Wollongong Leagues Club with the Mentals was great (encore), Maroubra Seals Club was stuffed | |
| (rotten sound), Civic Hotel on last day of November was excellent (on stage for nearly one | ||
| and a half hours-audience was amazing-Ian got hit on the head with a well aimed beer can but | ||
| he battled on bravely) | ||
| Dec 5th | The band has had three days off after a gruelling weekend (21 gigs in 30 days including trips | |
| to Melbourne) but now we're ready to get some REAL work done!! | ||
| Tomorrow is a practice, tomorrow night is a gig, Friday night is a gig, Saturday night | ||
| is a 21st, Sunday night is a gig, Monday - off to Melbourne again! | ||
| ....so you see, dear readers, that we do work for our .34cents per month | ||
| Dec 11th | 2.10am in Melbourne - staying at Macy's again | |
| Dec 13th | Played two gigs and both attracted large crowds and encores - Discos are still out-pulling | |
| live bands though | ||
| Dec 15th | A day off in Melbourne - rough drive through the bush to a barbecue on a farm. On the return | |
| drive Mark, John and Ian are involved in a car accident.....Noel is in a different car and is spared | ||
| the bruises - just another uneventful Clones day off!! | ||
| MRS CLONES MANAGER WRITES: | ||
| "Well! What can I say with only one surviving Clone? Here we are all figuring out a six | ||
| letter word for 'wanton destroyer' - oh, we just got it, VANDAL....and spraying the fish tank | ||
| with Baygon and eating liquorice and someone is giggling about nothing. No thanks to | ||
| the Melbourne fans who tried to poison the Clones with rancid mince meat, lose them in the | ||
| desert of Victoria, a second attempt at poisoning with Melbourne beer and then a last ditch | ||
| attempt to crash them into a taxi - not bad for a tour but I liked the music better.....now | ||
| that I've bored the ass off 19 lines in this diary it's time to go already...... | ||
| At this point in time we consider it pertinent to mention the possibilities and the potentialities | ||
| of the situation as it stands at this moment in view of the recent developments brought to | ||
| our attention. Notwithstanding the facts which cannot be physically stated due to ethical | ||
| considerations momently, erstwhile and therefore we hope this will not | ||
| inconvenience the patrons of the establishment whose continuing patronage would | ||
| be appreciated. Goodnight." | ||
| VOL IV starts with 1980 | ||
 |
